At yoga, this morning, I couldn’t help but shed tears because when I looked deeper at the cause of my weight and left leg weakness, I realised I was holding on to a lot of the hurt and anger of the hospital. I for one have always had a negative opinion about hospitals. I worked in one for most of my career. And, it’s not a pretty picture by any stretch of imagination.
I have suppressed a lot of the negativity from the hospital and anger at being admitted. I didn’t know why I couldn’t heal at home. Why did the Divine not want that? Part of it was the family pressure. And, in the end you only make yourself suffer. No one else suffers. I vividly remember one day when a femoral line needed to be inserted in my left leg. My platelet count was 5000. The doctor was shaking because one wrong puncture and I could be gone. In my half lucid state I was fearful and angry. I used to have blood drawn multiple times a day and each time it took two three attempts because the veins were so slippery. It was painful, not physically but emotionally and psychically also.
When I was in the ICU, there were two elderly men in the beds facing mine. One of them would vomit blood and the other couldn’t sit up to feed himself and the food would just slobber out of his mouth. The continuous beeps and noises made it a place where I couldn’t have healed. It’s been three years since my last admission and I still haven’t gotten over the absurdity. Therefore, I am not in gratitude even though it saved my life. And, my life is wonderful now. Touch wood. But I need to be able to see gratitude, if not for anything else at least for the experience for I feel, no experience is bad.
I cried a lot in class and I felt much much better. I am not saying, I have healed completely from the negativity but I can say I am on a path to healing and getting rid of the negativity and aggression. And, increasing my faith in the Divine. He does know best and there is a MUCH smaller I which needs to bow down to the Will Divine.