Inner Revelations

At yoga, this morning, I couldn’t help but shed tears because when I looked deeper at the cause of my weight and left leg weakness, I realised I was holding on to a lot of the hurt and anger of the hospital. I for one have always had a negative opinion about hospitals. I worked in one for most of my career. And, it’s not a pretty picture by any stretch of imagination.

I have suppressed a lot of the negativity from the hospital and anger at being admitted. I didn’t know why I couldn’t heal at home. Why did the Divine not want that? Part of it was the family pressure. And, in the end you only make yourself suffer. No one else suffers. I vividly remember one day when a femoral line needed to be inserted in my left leg. My platelet count was 5000. The doctor was shaking because one wrong puncture and I could be gone. In my half lucid state I was fearful and angry. I used to have blood drawn multiple times a day and each time it took two three attempts because the veins were so slippery. It was painful, not physically but emotionally and psychically also.

When I was in the ICU, there were two elderly men in the beds facing mine. One of them would vomit blood and the other couldn’t sit up to feed himself and the food would just slobber out of his mouth. The continuous beeps and noises made it a place where I couldn’t have healed. It’s been three years since my last admission and I still haven’t gotten over the absurdity. Therefore, I am not in gratitude even though it saved my life. And, my life is wonderful now. Touch wood. But I need to be able to see gratitude, if not for anything else at least for the experience for I feel, no experience is bad.

I cried a lot in class and I felt much much better. I am not saying, I have healed completely from the negativity but I can say I am on a path to healing and getting rid of the negativity and aggression. And, increasing my faith in the Divine. He does know best and there is a MUCH smaller I which needs to bow down to the Will Divine.

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2 thoughts on “Inner Revelations

  1. healing, any healing, takes time. that time can be short or long. hospitals are not a place to heal, they are but a place to realize just how sick you really are and have a greater chance to contact an even worse problem. they are a dirty place with lazy, in a sense, workers not realizing they are the biggest potential of passing on a worse problem than what the patient came in with.
    i saw too many times as a health facilities surveyor, just how poorly some patients were treated as they would go to the hospital without pressure injuries and after spending only hours at the hospital, obtain pressure injuries that when the patient is returned either home or to a rehab/skilled nursing facility causing them to have to under go more treatment and add to the cost and suffering of the patient.
    and what is worse, no one reports the acute care facility for the poor care.
    also, the super infections like vre, mrsa and many more come from the acute acre hospitals.
    sorry, for my venting.
    i do hope you reach a higher level of health and happiness, soon.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well, I’ve been there seen that so I share your sentiments entirely and that’s the reason for my phobia of hospitals. But having said that, it’s really some deep learning that I had to go through to emerge stronger and wiser and maybe these will help change the future? I have to be grateful for what it was in the mean time, no?

      Liked by 1 person

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