Most people have this preconceived notion about me, that I am not a romantic at heart. It couldn’t be further from the truth. Right, most people haven’t seen me in anything other than baggy pants jeans and a nice old comfy tee. My funda is simple, who cares about how you look, it’s how you feel. People ought to get attracted to the persona rather than just physical appearance, right??
Anyway, the fact is I am a die hard romantic. A LOT of people have tried to bring down my ideas about life. They’ve dissected and assassinated every notion of mine saying (at thirty) I don’t get how the world functions. It’s bullshit. Over the last three decades I have known the world works totally differently for me. There have been millions of instances where things just change for my sake. Federal laws, state laws, people, places, social convention…everything. And, NONE of the above are exaggerations.
One of my many fantasies is to love someone and to be loved. The heterosexual types (in hindsight, why on earth did I write that, I have no idea). The romantic eternal love types. My idea of love. Nothing extravagant. Nothing OTT. Nothing in your face, just plain simple love. Like hanging out on the sofa doing nothing at all. Or maybe just being happy with each other’s presence and doing something totally different. Lying around listening to each other’s heart beats. Understanding and experiencing rather than talking and pretending to listen. Being at bliss with each other. Completing one another.
It’s like following your own rhythm that only the two of you understand. Finding purpose of your entire being because of him. The reason of your existence which is him. The way your hands fit perfectly into his. The way the shoulder is perfect to rest your head on. The way his voice put you at complete ease. The way you fight others to make your life more perfect for his presence. The way when you close your eyes, you see his face and you can’t help smile and be at peace. The inherent happiness flowing outwardly, nice and bright.
I thought it was crazy idea that I would outgrow. But it’s not. When I was working in San Francisco I had the absolute privilege of working with a colleague with whom it was absolute magic. I find it crazy to call him a colleague. It’s too plebeian a term to call him. So I will stick with calling him CJ. He’d have loved it if I called him Chris (his friends called him that) but I didn’t know Chris. I only knew CJ. I would have loved to call him Chris. And, it’s not like I am dead so I hope I do sometime in this life time but until then I will live on the memories he gave me in two and half years.
CJ and I never went out on a date. He wasn’t my boyfriend. But when I closed my eyes and meditated, I could see him clearly. As if the Higher Powers were pushing me towards him. I kind of build boundaries around me but this was a boundary I couldn’t. He penetrated my entire soul on a spiritual level. Not physical but spiritually I am closest to him. I didn’t push things not he physical plane because he had a girlfriend and I am not the kind of person to break someone’s bond. I also understand that he is his own self and needs to clear his karmic connections in order to make way for newer ones.
I have never met a man like him. I remember as if it were yesterday when he came up to me and said exactly the following words, “301A is going home and needs to climb stairs. Do you think you can do that with him?” Mundane, right?? Completely insignificant, right?? Absolutely wrong. The flash of Golden Light that followed was like something I have NEVER experienced before. With an epiphanous voice thundering, “when you get married, it will be to this man”. Magic. Absolute sheer magic.
It has been two years since I saw him or spoke to him but there is not a single moment in my life that I haven’t thought of him. Through my cancer I kept thinking of him. And I know there is really nothing left of me in me, it’s all him!! Its a wonderful feeling. It’s ecstatic, euphoric….and freeing…giving without receiving anything physically…and yet you receive so much…oh well, I am just a girl…hoping to tell a boy, someday…to love her back!!!